Further Confessions of the Utterly Insane
by Ibbly-Wibbly
Summary: Georgia is back and her life is even more pooey than before. Masimo has some news, Wet Lindsay is still a wet weed, and Dave is starting to look very gorgey...whatever will Gee do? Chapter 9 up! Warning: Lots of Aggers!
1. A Special Home for les idiots

**A note from Georgia**

Hello once again, my Chummly Wummlies!

Once again I have harnessed my genius and creativosity just for you, to bring you this work of pure brilliance. Gird your loins! It is going to be _tres_ _belle, _as our wise friends the Italians say. Or is it the French? I don't know. Stop harassing me!

Anyway, I think I deserve a medal. Or at least a small medalette. I could hang it on my wall, and then everyone who came in could admire it and say: "what a _tres_ interesting and talented person you are, Georgia. You truly are a genius of the first water."

So, there we have it. I have truly been drained of my creative juices (oo-er) and therefore have nothing further to say. _Au revoir_, and remember, never trust a person with a fringe.

**p.s**. Unless of course, it is me.

**p.p.s.** Btw, no offence meant to those of you with fringes.

**p.p.p.s.** Btw means By the way, btw.

**p.p.p.p.s** I am, of course, when I talk about twits with fringes, referring to the Wise Woman of the Forest.

**p.p.p.p.p.s** i.e, Jas.

**Px6s.** So don't sue me for making fun of fringes, that's all. Just saying.

**A Special Home for **_**Les **_**Idiots**

**Saturday evening  
In my room  
Bewildered  
9:40 pm**

Blimey O'Reilly!

That is all I have to say.

**9:41 pm**

This must be the first time I have come home early from a party. Ever. Vati was quite amazed when I came through the door. He nearly choked on his mad beard.

He said, "Are you feeling quite alright? Have you come down with something? O.B.D., for example?"

"Vati," I said calmly. "I hate to have to ask, but what in the name of Our Lord Sandra's pantyhose is an O.B.D?"

Then Vati said. "Obsessive Boy Disorder." And he started snorting and snuffling with laughter to himself. Honestly. It is a well-known fact that only the very mad laugh at their own jokes. Particularly when nobody else is laughing. He should be transferred into a special home for _les idiots._

**9:50**

Anyway, what was it I was Blimey O'Reillying about, before my Vati so rudely interrupted? Ah, yes. Masimo.

Masimo and the (almost) fisticuffs at dawn type-affair.

**One minute later**

One minute I was doing the twist with Dave, the next Masimo was saying: "Right, _O Matio_, you, me, outside, now," in his sexy Italian voice. Then Dave and Masimo were circling each other outside, fists raised, the full monty (oo-er). They really were about to duff each other up. That was, of course, when I had an epiphany whatsit, and yelled:  
"Stop! In the name of PANTS!"

And Masimo roared off (on his scooter, obvs. I don't mean he went off, roaring) and Dave just laughed and walked away. And that brings us to now. i.e, in my room.

**10:30 pm**

**Still in my room, still bewildered.**

I think I might just have been dumped. There I was, hanging out in the cake shop of luuurve, when all of a sudden my Italian cakey decided to grow legs and take a little stroll. He really has the full Humpty Dumpty. Meanwhile, Dave the tart is still tarting about, and the Robbie éclair (which I have, most deffos, eschewed with a firm hand) has gone off with a wet weed.

**Two minutes later**

What could possibly be so wrong with me?

**One minute later**

Don't answer that.

**10:45 pm**

Phoned Jas.

"Jas?"

"Mmm - what is it, Georgia? I'm busy."

"Busy doing what? Counting your twig collection?"

"No, actually. I counted them yesterday. Right now I'm arranging my sock drawer."

Unbelievable. I put the phone down.

**Two minutes later**

I called her back.  
"Jas? I really don't give a God's pyjamas about your socks; so don't waste your breath. I need you to be a really good pally, and tell me exactly what happened after I left."

"Well."

"Yes?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean, nothing?"

"I mean – nothing!"

"Jas, you are being an idiot. Tell me what happened. Just plain English would be fine."

"But that's just it – nothing happened. Everyone just went on dancing, and carried on as normal."

This can't be right.

"You mean, nobody cared? Asked how I was, or anything?"

"Well, no."

And she calls herself my mate.

"Right. Well. You sympathise with me, don't you? Masimo has the full bananas Humpty Dumpty with me."

"Well. No. That's what you get for being a tart. But you're right, I would really hate to be you."

I said, "Goodnight, Po. Thank you for all your help." But I said it _tres_ sarcastically, and slammed the phone down straight afterwards.

**Sunday 21****st****  
up at the crack of 11am**

"Gingeeeeeey!"

Oh, dear Lord.

"Gingey, it's morning! No more beddie byes for you!"

My darling sister, a.k.a. Libby, has just come bursting into the room, equipped, of course, with Our Lord Sandra, Mr Cheese (who is, believe it or not, a piece of cheese) and scuba-diving Barbie.

"Ginger?"

I sighed. "Yes, Bibbs?"

"Where is my Davey?"

Good question. Last night Dave just walked off, which I consider vair, vair rude.

"He's not here, Libby."

"Why not?"

"Because he doesn't live here."

"Is he your boyfen?" Libby said, whilst shoving Mr Cheese down my ear.  
NO, NO and THRICE no! Dave is most certainly not my 'boyfen'. Nope. Not at all. Not even close.

"No, Bibbs, he isn't."

"Why NOT?"

"Because – well. Just because."

"Bad Ginger," said Libby. She gave me a little 'kiss' on the forehead, but it was more like being sucked up by a hoover. Like I was getting a kiss from noo-noo, the hoover in the teletubbies. How delightful.

**12:00pm**

I said to Mutti, "I'm going out with the Ace Gang." This was true; I had called an emergency meeting, _vis a vis _the duffing up incident. Then I was out of the door as quick as a whatsit, before she could complain or ask any unnecessary questions (like why I was using her Chanel handbag).

**Jas' house  
ten minutes later**

"Well," I said, "we all know why we're here."

Jas got all excited. "That reminds me, while we're here, I'd like to show you my sock drawer. I colour co-ordinated it, see - "

"Jas," I said, lobbing a stuffed owl at her. "Shuttup."

She gave me an angry look, but stopped speaking.

"So," Jools said. "Did Masimo break up with you?"

"I think he - " I broke off. I had just noticed Rosie had her beard on. Also sideburns.

Rosie saw me staring. She smiled and touched her sidies.

"They're great, aren't they?" she said. "I got them at the costume shop."

"Were there any others in stock?" Mabs said excitedly. "We could all get matching ones!"

"HELLO?" I practically yelled. It was supposed to be all about me here, not Rosie's mad hair obsession (which was, incidentally, beginning to worry me).

"Sorry," they all muttered.

"Thank you," I sniffed, full of dignosity. "Now, as I was saying. Masimo has the full on humpty dumpty, but he won't do for long, if my elastic band plan works."

The Ace gang all looked at each other.

"This doesn't involve red herrings, does it?" Jas said nervously, playing with her fringe. Shuttup, fringey. "Look what happened last time." And she stared pointedly at me. She really shouldn't do that. Her eyes go all bulgy and she looks like one of her precious newts.

"Jas," I replied, calmly. "I am not, however much you love to think it, a complete idiot. It's going to be different this time. It's going to be the mother of all plans. It will be the plan of plans. It will be the plan to end all plans."

"But, you haven't actually thought of a plan yet, have you?"

"Oh, picky picky, Jas. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. No, the real question here is, what do I wear?"


	2. Operation Octopusagogo

**A/N: I am feeling really depressed about this story. It doesn't appear to be going anywhere. It really lacks humor. Ah, well. I am going to keep going anyway, because I am bored. Also, apparently, the mind is a compost heap – you should never throw any ideas away, just keep them for the future to recycle. I have no idea what this means, but there you go.**

**Disclaimer (I forgot to put this at the beginning of the first chappie – oops): I do not own any of the characters or contents of these books. Even though I would really, really love my very own Dave. ******

**Operation Octopus-a-go-go**

**In my room  
10:40pm  
my bed of confusinosity**

This is all so weird. Masimo has just dumped me. I should be feeling worse than a sad person on a rainy holiday in sad land, but I just feel strangely elated. I wonder why?

Aaaaaaargh, no! I have just been dumped by a luuurve god, for heaven's sakes! What's wrong with me?

**One minute later**

Maybe I'm just not that worried because my plan is going to be marvy, and I know he will be mine again soon.

**One minute later**

Speaking of which, I had better come up with a plan soon. Hmmm…let me put my thinking cap on.

**Two minutes later**

No, not a thinking cap. Hats make my nose look even huger than it already is. Which, believe me, is larger than humanly possible – not an attractive sight. I'm going to put my thinking _shoes_ on instead. Pink stilettos, with strappy bits…

**Fifteen minutes later**

Well, all I can say is, the thinking shoes do not work. I demand a refund.

I guess I must face the truth, then. Masimo will never be mine.

Yet I cannot even draw a tear.

**11:10  
still in my bed of confusinosity**

Playing depressing music, in a hope of making myself cry. Actually, what I'm playing is Robbie's song about the dolphin caught in a net. The song alone is enough to make someone have a break down. It brings back memories though…

Ah, now I am crying. But about Robbie, not Masimo.

Because Robbie and I had many marvy moments together. We went out for so very long. Masimo and I went out for about four weeks – and most of that time he was in pizza-a-go-go land, anyway. It's hard to get emotional over someone you spent hardly any time with.

**Five minutes later**

Oh, Robbie. How can you possibly find pleasure in snogging a wet drip? (Lindsay). She doesn't deserve you.

Right, that does it. I am going to have to find a way to break Robbie and Lindsay up. It's not that I want Robbie back – it's too late for that now – it's just that I cannot stand that smug look on Lindsay's stupid octopussy face.

She is going down.

**Monday 22****nd****  
Back to Stalag 14  
Noooooo...**

I told Jas about my idea on the way to school.

"Just how do you plan to do this?" Jas sighed, patting her beret (Which was, of course, perfectly in place. Mine was rolled up like a sausage at the back of my head).

"We need to expose her as the fake she is," I said confidently. "Miss-no-forehead-lying-evil-cow-chicken-fillets-in-her-bra-slime-ball with knobs on." I gasped for breath – it was a bit of a mouthful (oo-er).

"And how will we do _that?_" Jas clearly doubted my geniosity. She was barely even paying attention.

"You know how you were rambling on about Tom's new wildlife camera? The one that you hide in the garden and all the voles come and you can watch them from the comfort of your own house?" No, don't ask me why you would want this. I have no idea, either.

"Er – yes?"

I said dramatically, "Jas. We are going to be doing some secret filming."

She stared at me. "You want to watch voles, Georgia? I thought you said they were pointless rodents who are doing bad impressions of a mole?"

I sighed. We were getting nowhere. "No. The type of wildlife I want to film is not voles – it's of the octopus variety."

You could almost see the little light bulb go off above Jas' head. Like in cartoons.

"Oh. Georgia – you are quite the little minx. That is quite, quite genius. But I'm not going to help you."

WHAT??

**Two minutes later**

Jas thinks my idea is cruel and degrading.

"Exactly," I said. "It's payback."

"But it's pure evil. Doing something like that would just be stooping to her level. I know Hunky – I mean, Tom - will agree. You're not getting your hands on that camera, Gee."

Damn, damn, damn.

Also merde. I had it all worked out.

**Assembly  
9:15 pm**

The others think my plan is a stroke of outstanding brilliance (which it is). They agree it is evil, but, as Ro Ro put it, "that's the whole fun of it." Oh, we are wicked, wicked girls. Too bad our plan can never be put into action, because of a certain Jas the Spaz.

She refused to have any part in our conversation. She went over to some girl she had made friends with on the camping fiasco, and starting talking about badger sets or something equally pointless. But all the while she kept shooting us evil looks.

**Blodge  
11:00**

Yessssss!

Rosie says she can buy a camera thingummy!

We don't need Jas. Hahaha. Take that, fringey!

Operation octopus-a-go-go is, erm, a go go!

Gird your loins and prepare for battle!

**That was quite short…but I have homework to do. Arrividerci! Please R&R. Thanks.**


	3. Like a Seeingeye dog

**A/N: Hey, this has taken me a while which is why I haven't posted in a while!**

**I just heard that appazza there's going to be a sequel to the angus, thongs film. I think this is crap beyond the universe of the crap. I really didn't enjoy it. But it might have more GeorgiaxDave in it!**

**Like a Seeing-eye Dog**

**Tuesday 23****rd  
****4:30 pm  
Creepy-creepy, quietly-quietly**

Outside wet Lindsay's house. Blimey, it's nippy noodles. I am sharing a scarf with Rosie. Apparently Sven knitted it (!) and it's massive. The whole of the ace gang could wear it if we wanted to.

"Have you brought the camera-thing bob?" Mabs said.

Rosie said: "Check. I also brought snacksies."

This is excellent.

**One minute later**

Ro-Ro has worked out how to set up the camera. It's camouflaged to look like a twig. We're going to put it in the tree outside Lindsay's window.

Unfortunately this involves some climbing. Rosie tried climbing but we were both still wearing the scarf. I nearly got strangled.

"I'll do it," Jools said. She shinnied up the tree, quick as a quick thing. Well, not that quick. And she didn't exactly shinny – actually she nearly fell out halfway up.

But she made it and called down: "OK. I'm positioning it so it won't fall out. There."

**30 minutes later  
Back at Ro-Ro's house**

Well, we did it! We positioned the camera outside Lindsay's window, so it will film everything she does. Like putting chicken whatsits in her bra. Or shoving a piece of string up her bum-oley. Then when we go and get it in a few days we will have it all on camera, and we can show everyone at school! Or even better, post it on the Internet for the whole world to see.

It's like Big Brother, except Lindsay doesn't know she's being filmed. We will be watching her, like a seeing-eye dog. Whatever that is.

**Back home  
5:32pm**

The baldy-o-gram has come to visit. He has brought along his furry codpiece. Oh, heaven help us. I escaped up to my room, thankfully. I can hear Mutti and Vati and even Libby shrieking and laughing. What is the world coming to? Since when has it been all right for porn to be displayed to young, impressionable children? I will not be surprised if Libby grows up to be a hooker. The worst thing about the whole scenario, though, is that Libby actually seems to enjoy these disgusting displays.

**Ten minutes later**

Rom and Jule rehearsals tomorrow. I had better do some urgent plucking, as there will be males present. And no, I don't mean Herr Kamyer or Elvis Attwood, you dirty minxes, I mean the Foxwood lads – Dave the Laugh and so on. Not that I care, as he is just a mate, but I must appear presentable, as a representative of all womankind e.t.c.

**One minute later  
inspecting myself in mirror**

Good grief.

It's a good thing I thought of plucking. I look like I have a dead vole spread-eagled above my eyes.

Plucky-plucky, quickly, quickly! Get rid of dead rodent syndrome!

**Ten minutes later**

All done. Time for moisturizer. My skin resembles the arse of a lizard, i.e. it does not look pretty.

**Five minutes later**

I am faced with a dilemma. What am I supposed to do about make-up tomorrow? Hawkeye will notice if I come into school wearing it, and even if I do it during German or in the loos after school, Miss Wilson will probably see in rehearsals. Oh, what am I to do? I will have to wear extremely subtle make-up, which enhances my natural beauty.

So just a hint of foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blusher, concealer and lippy.

No! No foundation or lippy. And maybe no eyeliner. So mascara, blusher, concealer and clear lip-gloss. Good, that's good.

**In bed  
11:46 pm**

Tomorrow will no doubt be full of hilariosity, and many comedy PANTS opportunities. I am actually very excited.

Oh, the tension, the tension.

I will never get to sl - zzzzzzzzzz….

**Wednesday 24****th****  
12:32 pm  
German**

Jas still isn't speaking to any of us. She won't even look in our direction. I passed her a note.

_Dear Po,  
You know you love me really. Come on. I dare you to stand up right now and declare your undying un-lezzy luuurve for me. You know you want to.  
If you do I'll buy you a packet of midget gems.  
Gee_

Jas scowled at me and began scribbling frantically on her notepad. Then she folded up the page and tossed it to me.

_Georgia,  
Stop being so bloody silly. What you are doing to Lindsay is uncalled for. I cannot believe you actually went and bought a camera. I hope it blows up in your face.  
And for your information, I do not succumb to bribery,  
Jas  
p.s. I would appreciate it if you would cease calling me 'Po'. Thank You_

She sounds like my Mutti. I stuck my tongue out at her, but she just flicked her fringe and put up her hand to answer a question.

**4:00 pm  
Rom and Jule Rehearsals**

Alack forsooth, it has begun!

The foxwood lads strode in with big grins on their faces, Dave the Laugh at the front. He was saying, "But soft, what light from yonder PANTS breaks wind?" Tip-top comedy magic. We were all falling about, really laughing, but Miss Wilson had a spaz and said:

"Girls, boys, please! Romeo and Juliet must be taken seriously! It's a tragedy!"

I said, "Yes, it's a tragedy it was ever written." Unfortunately Miss Wilson heard me and gave me a stern talking to. She said that if I wasn't on tip-top behavior, she would give the part of Mercutio to somebody else.

We did a read through of the play, while the lads began painting scenery. It really is a depressing type-fandango. But Mercutio is a laugh. In one scene he starts raving on about a fairy queen. It sounds like he was on drugs to me, or very drunk. I added in some PANTS, but quite subtly. Miss Wilson was writing stuff down, anyway, so I don't think she would have noticed anything at that moment.

"Oh, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you," I looked at Mabs and she laughed. "She is the fairies' midwife; and she comes in shape no bigger than PANTS.  On the fore-finger of an alderman,  drawn with a team of little PANTIES, athwart men's PANTS as they lie asleep:  Her waggon-spokes made of long spinners' legs;  The cover, of the wings of grasshoppers;  The traces, of the smallest spider's PANTS…" and so on. It was a whole page long. Bloody hell, this bloke can talk. Comedy stuff, though.

The bits with Romeo were a disaster. Romeo was being played by none other than Ellen – what larks! It was ditherspaz central. Why Miss Wilson chose her is a bloody mystery. She should have chosen one of the foxwood boys. But they were strictly there for props and scenery. I did, however, think _some people_ (Dave) fancied themselves as a bit of a Romeo. What a joke.

Anyway, this is something like what a scene with Romeo is like:

"I fear, too early: for, erm, my mind misgives. Some…some, erm, consequence, yet hanging in the stars, shall , well, erm, bitterly begin his fearful date with, with this night's revels; and expire the, ah, the term of a despised life, clos'd in my breast, by some vile forfeit of untimely, err, death:  But He that hath the steerage of my course direct my, direct my sail! On, lusty gentlemen!"

Of course, at the part where she said the word 'breast', all the foxwood lads exploded with laughter, and she went really red and went even ditherier. How immature can you get! And they all elbowed each other and laughed at the bit where she said "Lusty gentlemen." I raised my eyebrows at Dave; it cannot be denied he is lusty. Not too sure about the gentlemen bit, though.

**A/N: Well, hope you liked it! The Rom and Jule rehearsals were a laff. Plenty more where that came from!**

**Oh, and btw, Gee will get with Dave soon, I promise! I just need to build up the suspense a little. Ta-ra, and remember, R&R!**


	4. Sven, Cooking?

**A/N:**** Oh, I've been a bad kitty. I haven't updated in so long, and I have absolutely no excuse. I only hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.  
Anyway, I promised some Gee/Dave moments, and as promised, here they are.**

**Hope you like the chapter! It took me a while.**

**Sven, Cooking?**

**Tuesday 23****rd****  
4:50pm  
Outside Stalag 14**

Yessss! Freedom!

We have been released from the hellhole that teachers fondly like to call school.  
Well, rehearsals weren't actually all that bad – they were a blast actually. Still, anything associated with Stalag 14 is enough to make me sick.

**Two minutes later**

Dave came up to me after rehearsals. It was a bit awkward, because the last time I saw him he was doing his Mohammed Ali impression and squaring up to Masimo. But it's hard to feel that awkward with Dave the Laugh, as he is, you know, a laugh.

"Greetings, yonder Mercutio. What bringeth ye here?"

I said, "Good tidings, master Dave. Are you the court jester?"

Dave switched to his normal voice. "Well, I do have my red nose with me." And he fished it out of his pocket. Unbelievable. Why would you carry a red nose around with you? It made me feel a bit funny, though. Last time he wore that nose, he was telling me he loved me. But he didn't really mean it – did he?

I thought it would be best to play it cool and pretend I didn't remember the red nose incident, so I said, "What kind of a fool carries a red nose around in his pocket?"

"Me," said Dave. "You never know when it may come in handy. I used it the other day to scare away a pack of rabid dogs that were chasing me."

I stared at him. "You're mad."

Dave stuck out his tongue and said, "No, you're mad."

"No, you're – " then I stopped. I could see where this was going. The 'you're mad,' 'no you're mad' thing usually led to tickly bears, and after that – it was up snog creek with out a paddle. Whatever that means.

I quickly said, "Is that a vole?" to change the subject. Dave stared at where I was pointing.

"I don't think so, Gee – I think that's just Rosie's sideburns escaping."  
Rosie had actually worn her sideburns to rehearsals, and Miss Wilson hadn't even noticed. Madness, I tell you, madness.

But anyway, I laughed and it was all right again. Phew!

**Two minutes later**

I told Dave about my master plan to get back at wet Lindsay. I thought he would congratulate me, but his face got all serious. Uh-oh. Not Dave the Unlaughy Laugh!

"Georgia," he stopped and turned me to face him. "I hate to say this, but that is low, even for you." What? Don't tell me Dave of all people has lost his sense of fun!  
"But!" I sputtered. "But, she deserves it!"

"Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, Kitty Kat." Dave took my hand – it made me go all shivery. "Do you see? If you stoop to that kind of level you're just as bad as she is."

I could see he was right, of course. But there was no way I was ever, ever going to admit that. Oh, why did he have to make me feel so bad?

"I have to say, Georgia – I'm a little disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that."

That tore it. I felt tears spring up in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away, but I was going all wobbly and unsteady. I couldn't believe that Dave was telling me off – and he was disappointed in me! The worst thing was I knew I was wrong.

"Ok," I said fiercely. "I get it. Point well made, Dave. But next time I need a lecture, I'll go to my Mutti instead, thank you very much!" I roughly pulled his hand away from mine and ran away, like a badger in running shoes. The last thing I saw was Dave's shocked face.

**10:00 am**

I can't believe I was such a baby about that. What do I care about what Dave the stupid Laugh thinks, anyway?

Actually, I do care. A lot. It really hurt when he said he was disappointed in me. I'm used to people telling me that all the time – Mutti, Vati, my teachers, Jas. But for some reason when he said it, I felt, for the first time, like I had let myself down as well as other people.

**Two minutes later**

No, Shuttup, brain. Forget about Dave. He's just – a decoy duck. A red herring. What would he know? He's always getting into trouble. Humph.

The plan will go on!

**Five minutes later**

I phoned Rosie to tell her the plan was off. Sven was there, too – I knew because I could hear yodeling in the background.

"What?!" yelled Rosie, when I told her. "But we went to all that trouble! There's a twig camera up her tree! You choose _NOW_ to back out?"

"Rosie," I said patiently. "I've been thinking about it, and really – we'd just be stooping to her level."

There was a long silence. The Ro-Ro said, quietly, "Jas has been brainwashing you, hasn't she?"

"No!" I yelled indignantly. "What do you take me for? Actually – I was chatting about it to Dave."

There was a loud spluttering noise. "So that explains it," Rosie said, sounding smug for some reason. "Still, I would have thought – _Dave _of all people…up for a laugh. There's a surprise…" She seemed to be muttering to herself. Then she said, to me this time, with a lot of regret in her voice, "Alright, then, Gee. The plans off. You can call the others – I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. Anyway, got to go, Sven's cooking pudding!"

And she hung up. What was all that about?

**Two minutes later**

Sven is cooking pudding?

**Wednesday 24****th****  
Walking to Stalag 14**

Jas is still in a humpty with me and won't walk with me to school. She doesn't know yet that the whole plan is off, anyway.

**Five minutes later**

Hang on, there she is! She is walking just ahead of me.

**Two minutes later**

I ran and caught her up. "Jas! Jas! My twiggy friend!"

She turned around and gave me one of her famous looks. She didn't say anything. Ignoring me? How dare she? But I persisted anyway.

"Jas, I didn't mean you were a twig! Twiggy, as in Twiggy, the famous model. You look like her, Jas." (Lies, all lies!).

Jas sighed and rolled her eyes. "I know that's not what you meant, Georgia."

YES! Result! I had got her to speak.

"Yes, I did, I really did. You could be a supermodel. You're gorgeous! But not in a lezzy way. Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Claudia Schiffer? You have the same lips." Jas has a little fantasy going on in her head that she resembles Claudia Schiffer. She doesn't.

"Georgia, whatever it is you want, I'm not giving it to you."

I thought this was very rude.

"Jas. I don't want anything. I just want to be friends again, see? And just for your information," I played my trump card, "the wet Lindsay plan is off."

Jas looked at me. "You're lying."

I sighed. This was taking up all of my patience. "No, Jas. It's true. I was talking to Dave and you're right – it's a stupid plan."

Jas grinned at me. "Dave, eh? Well, I'm proud of you, Gee." She looked really happy, like a smug shrew. Shuttup, shrew face. "Thank you, Georgia. You did the right thing."

And she hugged me! Erlack-a-pongoes! It was like being attacked! But on the bright side, she did give me her last midget gem. Even though I didn't eat it because she stores them in her knickers. Probably.

**11:00 pm  
Break**

Good grief. Sven really did do cooking last night. Rosie brought in these weird biscuit things he made. She said that he was practicing for the wedding food, which he was going to cook himself. "It will save money because we don't have to pay for catering," she explained, like it all made perfect sense. But the thought of Sven anywhere an oven (i.e. a flammable object) is, quite frankly, scary.

**Two minutes later**

Erlack! The biscuits taste of fish! We all spat ours out in disgust, apart from Rosie. She stared at us like we were mad, as though the biscuits tasted completely normal.

"Rosie!" sputtered Jools. "Just what is in these biscuits?"

Rosie looked at us calmly. "Just the usual: eggs, flour, milk, herring, chocolate chips…why, what's the problem?"

"Did you say _herring?_" gasped Mabs.

"Yes," frowned Rosie. "It's a traditional Viking ingredient."

Ellen looked doubtful. "Er…is it?"

Usually Ellen's dithering got on my nerves, but for once, I think we all agreed she had a point.

"Yeah, Rosie, I don't think it is," I explained kindly.

**11:40  
English**

Rosie is very angry with us and refuses to talk to us until we apologise. Honestly, she should be the one apologising! It took me a good half an hour to get the taste of fish out of my mouth. Who knew Herring Biscuits left such a strong aftertaste? Not me. Do you want to know why? _Because I am a normal person and I have never eaten a sodding Herring Biscuit before, that's why!_

**Ten minutes later**

Miss Wilson keeps dithering on about Rom and Jule. She keeps saying things like, "Well done girls, I was impressed in rehearsals yesterday. Keep up the good work – remember, the performance is in four weeks and there's still a lot to do!" Rave on, raver. Do you genuinely believe anyone is properly listening to you?

Jools passed me this note:

_Georgia,_

_So is the plan off then? After I shinnied up that tree for you? I could have fallen out and broken my neck!  
Where is your sense of fun? And a little bird (Rosie) said that you spoke to Dave about it. C'est vrai?_

_Weren't Sven's biscuits disgusting?_

_Jools xx_

_P.s. What is 'biscuit' in Pizza-a-go-go speak?_

I wrote one back, annoyed. Why does everyone make such a big deal about the fact I spoke to Dave?

_Jools, mon pally._

_Oui, c'est vrai. I did in fact talk to the hornmeister. What of it? Why do you care?_

_Gee x_

_P.S. its 'biscotti' I think_

Jools didn't write back. She just raised her eyebrows at me. What? Is there some secret about Dave that everyone knows except for me?

**Two minutes later**

Rosie said, "How did you know what biscuit was in Italian?"

I said, "I'm a master of the Pizza-a-go-goese." I sighed. "If only Masimo could see me now. He'd be rushing to get back together with me."

Then it hit me in a flash of the whatsit. Another plan! And this time, it was bound to work.

**3:30 pm  
School Gates**

I hurriedly told the Ace Gang of my genius plan.

"You think that if you have Italian lessons, Masimo will see how fantastically cool you are, realise what a mistake he made dumping you and fall on his knees, desperately begging to have you back and give him another chance?" asked Jas.

I smiled triumphantly, "Yes."

"It will never work."

I sometimes wonder why I am her friend. She has absolutely no faith in me whatsoever.

"Yes it will," I insisted.

Rosie stroked her beard (which, incidentally, I hadn't actually seen her put on. It just seemed to appear on her face). "You know, it's not that bad a plan. Georgia is good at languages."

The others nodded, if a little doubtfully. "Mmmm…it's not like you have anything to lose."

I grinned. "I'm going to look in the phone book and find someone to give me lessons. Oh, this is a million times better than my wet Lindsay plan! It will actually work this time – and it's a very mature thing to do."

Jas looked like she was about to interject, but just then the foxwood lads came up. Uh-oh.

**Five minutes later**

Running away.

I couldn't face Dave after what happened yesterday, so I just legged it.

Pant, pant.

**Five seconds later**

Oh, fish sticks. Dave has a bike, and he's cycling after me.

**Five more seconds later**

Crap. Dave caught up with me easily.

"Georgia! Please stop." He was cycling right next to me as I jogged along, nungas flying wild and free. Oh, Great God of Pantibus! Why do you do this to me? And if you absolutely had to do it, couldn't you have done it on a day when I was wearing my special controlling over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder?

"I'm…late…" I panted.

"Late for what?"

"Erm…. an appointment with….my doctor….about…about my elbows!"

Dave stopped his bike and got off. I stopped too.

"Sex kitten, your elbows are perfect! They don't need inspecting! Come on, I know you're avoiding me."

I mumbled something stupid. Dave leant his bike against someone's garden wall.

"I didn't mean to upset you yesterday."

I shouted, "You didn't! I genuinely do have an appointment about my elbows. I have a rare condition, called…err…spastic-elbow-itis. Yes, my elbow keeps spasming. It's quite a rare condition."

Dave just looked at me. Damn! Why do I have to be such a crap liar?

"Ok," I sighed. "Maybe you upset me, just a little bit. But I know you were right."

Dave put his arm around me.

"I called the plan off," I sniveled. Dave nodded and smiled. Oh, I do love him. In a strictly matey-type way, of course.

**Five minutes later**

Everything's all right again. Dave was very understanding. He even brought me a Kit Kat to eat. He said, "A Kit Kat for my Kitty Kat." It made me feel all flushed. He is very sweet, it has to be said.

He was being really nice to me, so I told him about my Italian lessons plan. His arm went a bit slack around me and his smile tightened, but then he relaxed and said, "That's… a great idea, Gee. Masimo will be impressed. Listen, erm, there's somewhere I have to be." He hesitated, and then quickly kissed my cheek. "Bye."

Then he got on his bike and rode off. Hmmm…it seemed like something was wrong. I wonder what?

**A/N:**** I must admit, Gee was really stupid in this chapter. She is just completely oblivious to Dave's feelings. Poor him! :(**

**Also, don't worry. Georgia will soon give up on Masimo. I just thought that Italian lessons would be a real laff. I can't wait to write them!**

**Sven cooking! Lol. You know, I got this idea from a trick my friend played on me. She has these omega three vitamin tablets, which contain fish oil. But she told me they tasted really nice, like strawberries. When she offered me one, I shoved it right in my mouth – and it was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. Blurch! It was a mix of fish and strawberry – can you imagine? My friend was pissing herself, but I still haven't forgiven her!**


	5. Not a Real Chapter

Hello! This is not a real chappie – I am still working on that, it's about half way done. This is a little something to keep you minxes amused.

Well, I was flicking through my iPod the other day, and some of the songs really remind me of the Georgia Nicolson characters. I tried to do all of the main characters, but it was quite hard.

**Georgia (thinking about Dave):  
Pumpkin Soup by Kate Nash**

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy,  
I just want your kiss.  
I'm not in love,  
I just want to be touched…e.t.c.

**Robbie (when he breaks up with Georgia for being too immature):  
SOS by the Jonas Brothers**

Told you I made dinner plans,  
But you and me and no one else,  
That don't include your crazy friends (!)  
Well I'm done…e.t.c.

**Umm, yeah, that doesn't really fit, but I couldn't think of anything else for Robbie. But he breaks up with Georgia because she is acting stupid with the Ace Gang…who are crazy….? Oh, I don't know. Leave me alone!**

**Masimo (this one fits so well, lol)  
UR So Gay by Katy Perry**

You're so gay and you don't even like boys

No you don't even like

No you don't even like

No you don't even like boys….e.t.c.

**Dave (thinking about Georgia, obvs)  
Heartbeat by Scouting For Girls**

Doing all I can do, just to be close to you  
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat,  
Always up for a laugh, she's a pain in the arse,  
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat….e.t.c.

**Rosie  
Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper**

Girl's just wanna,  
Wanna have fun,  
Girls, just wanna,  
Wanna have fun!

**Sven (LOL had so much fun with this one!)  
Hit me with your rhythm stick by Ian Dury and the Blockheads**

Hit me with your rhythm stick.

Hit me! Hit me!

Das ist gut! C'est fantastique!

Hit me! hit me! hit me!

Hit me with your rhythm stick.

It's nice to be a lunatic.

Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!

Hit me with your rhythm stick.

Hit me! Hit me!

C'est si bon, mm? Ist es nicht?

Hit me! hit me! hit me!

Hit me with your rhythm stick.

Two fat persons, click, click, click.

Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!...e.t.c.

**Wet Lindsay (Jealous of Georgia and Robbie):  
Don't cha by the Pussycat Dolls**

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me,  
Don't cha, Don't cha,  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak, like me  
Don't cha, Don't cha….e.t.c.

**Jas:  
Stupid Girls by P¡nk (because she is sensible and doesn't want to be stupid..eh, I don't know. This was a hard one.) **

Where, oh where, have the smart people gone,  
Oh, where, oh where, could they be?

Maybe if I act like that,  
That guy will call me back,  
Porno paparazzi, girl,  
I don't wanna be a stupid girl…e.t.c

I can't think of any others…maybe if you had any ideas, or ideas for alternate songs for the ones I've already done? I don't think I did a very good job; I was just bored, OK?

Watch this space for the next chappie!


	6. Chapter 6

**The Return of King Kong**

**A/N:**** Here's the next chapter. It involves dead worms, and ape-man and a lion who wanted to love. And just a little of jack the biscuit, because I know you love 'im.**

**I think you will find this chapter quite pleasing when it comes to Dave/Gee!**

**Wednesday 25****th****  
11:40  
still in bed**

The Lord has been kind. Today is an inset day! Thank you, Baby Jesus. I promise to be a good kitty and will uphold the upmost respect for you. Even though you don't look all that respectable, as Libby has dressed you in a dress and a sparkly thong she made at nursery school.

**Ten minutes later**

Bored! Inset day is supposed to be fun and relaxing. Why am I bored beyond the valley of the bored and treading lightly in the universe of the full on fed up?

**Five minutes later**

Got out of bed. What shall I wear?

Well, today will be a casual day, so it's jeans I think.

But what if Masimo decides to pay a visit?

Skirt.

**One second later**

Masimo probably won't come over. Jeans.

**Two seconds later**

Skirt. Just in case.

**One second later**

Jeans, because then it seems like I haven't been expecting him and have been acting all cool and casual.

**Two seconds later**

But if I wear a skirt he will think I have been with another boy, and will come over all jealous and manly. Skirt!

**One second later**

Jeans!

**One second later**

Skirt!

**11:57**

In the end I chose shorts; they're somewhere in between.

**12:00**

I went downstairs and started flicking through the phone book for someone to give me Italian lessons.

**One minute later**

Right, 'I' for Italy. Is that right? Or is it 'L', for languages?

Oh, here. There's a languages school that offers weekend tuition. This looks good.

**Five minutes later**

Ringing up.

"Hello? I'm enquiring about your tuition course?"

A woman on the other end of the line said, "Yes, fantastic. What's your name?"

Crikey, she sounded like a horse. "Erm, Georgia. Georgia Nicolson," I said.

"Right," brayed the woman. "Excellent. Just a minute, I need to find a form."

There was a lot of banging about as the woman rifled through her drawers. Oo-er!

Then she came back to the phone and said, "Right. How old are you, exactly?"

"Fifteen. Nearly sixteen, though."

"Oh, I'm afraid I'm going to need some parental consent. Can you do that for me?" The woman's voice really was very annoying; it was driving me up the wall. Not literally, though. That would make me spider girl.

"Oh, um, Ok," I said. I hadn't actually _asked_ Mutti or Vati about it yet.

"I will send you the form in the post, then, and your parent or carer can sign it. Can you tell me your address?"

Blimey O'Reilly. Shuttup, horsey woman. She was like that girl, whatsername, Anne of Cleves. You know, the one Henry VIII married. He saw a portrait of her and thought she was really gorgey, so he agreed to married her, but when he saw her in the flesh he was disgusted and said, "She looks like a horse," and divorced her within a week of marrying her. She must have been very ugly.

I told Anne my address and she said the form would reach me in a couple of days, and then I hung up.

**1:30  
Bored in my room**

Jools rang me to say that she had retrieved the twig camera from Lindsay's tree, and asked me if I wanted to come over and watch the footage. "Even though we won't be using it anymore," she said, somewhat huffily.

I said I would, and rushed over. This was too good to miss.

**Half an hour later**

The footage was WUBBISH! You couldn't see anything; there was a leaf and part of a branch in the way. You could occasionally see someone moving about in the room, but you couldn't even tell it was Lindsay. The most exciting thing that happened in the film was when a little bird flew in front of the camera and started head butting it.

"Well," I said sarcastically. "That truly was worth it. I see an Oscar in the works."

"Well, er…I don't know. It wasn't that bad," Ellen said. "That bird was quite cute!"

"No it wasn't," I said. "You could see a dead worm in its mouth. It was disgusting."

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway," Rosie said cheerfully. She held up a plate of biscuits.

"Herring Biscuit, anyone?"

We all scarpered, quick sharpish.

**7:00pm  
Family Dinner (why do you do this to me, God?)**

At dinner I asked about the Italian lessons. Vati choked on his soup (The only thing mutti can cook. And she still managed to burn it), but Mutti beamed at me.

"It's great you're showing so much enthusiasm for languages, Georgia. But why just now all of a sudden?"

I hesitated. I didn't think I should spill the beans, _vis a vis_ my Masimo plan. So I said, "Erm…well, I think languages is a skill of mine. And, universities and such, they like you to show a varied education, don't they? Or something?" I was sounding like Ellen.

Mutti nodded her head enthusiastically. She looked at Vati. "It's a good idea, don't you think, Bob?"

Vati was staring at me, his mouth hanging open. It was disgusting, because there was a bit of bread stuck to his badger (a.k.a. his beard). There should be a book called "A Guide to Grooming Your Badger", for all the old farts who can't be bothered to keep theirs clean. Or better still, it should just be made illegal to have a beard.

"I – Georgia? Have you eaten something funny? Connie, I don't think you cooked this food well enough, Georgia seems quite ill." Charming, really.

"Father dearest," I said sweetly. "I am perfectly fine. Is there anything so very wrong with displaying interest for the beautiful language of Italian?"

Vati went silent. He looked like someone had punched him in the face, which, incidentally, they should. Then he said, "Well, you are most definitely up to something. I don't think we should let her – Connie?"

Mutti glared angrily at him. "We most certainly should, Bob. And how dare you insult my cooking!"

**7:30 pm**

Oh, Lordy.

Mutti and Vati have got into a bit of a tiff. Well, actually, it's a bit more serious than that, they're screaming at each other. They're not even discussing me any more – Mutti is calling Vati a 'terrible father', and he is saying that Mutti 'can't cook to save her life'.

Well, at least he has a point on that.

"Excuse me," yelled Mutti, "If it wasn't for me, this house wouldn't be running at all! The only thing you ever do is go gallivanting off in your stupid clown car with your stupid mates! You wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving if I weren't around to do anything – why, you can't even make toast! You'd just lie around on the sofa helplessly, until you died of starvation!"

Good point, well made.

**One hour later**

The parents have come to an agreement. Well, not really, they refuse to speak to each other, but Mutti said that she would pay for the lessons whether Vati liked it or not. And then Vati got into the clown car and went to find his stupid mates, and Mutti went into the kitchen and stared sadly at her pots and pans.

So the nub and gist is, I get to have Italian lessons, but Mutti still can't cook.

**Friday 27****th****  
5:00pm  
in the waiting room of life**

I am waiting for my very first Italian lesson to begin. The bloody tutor was supposed to be here ten minutes ago. As I wait, I have found my self wondering – Why in the name of Jas' oversized undercrackers am I doing this?

Ah, yes, Masimo. My one and only. Only he is not my one and only at the moment, because of a certain Dave the so-called Laugh.

Well, let me say, Dave, you have not caused much merriment and laughter for me recently. You have quite literally dumped me on the rubbish tip of discontent.

**Two minutes later**

No, get out of my head, Dave! You are not in this fandango! Now, where was I?

Ah, yes. Masimo. He is not my one and only, but he will be. Soon. Very soon.

_Mein Gott__, _I wish this sodding tutor would hurry up, so I can learn Italian already! I'm not sure how much longer I can wait! Masimo will never be mine at this rate.

**5:45**

Well, butter my bum-oley and call me toast. It is official: God hates me. It must be revenge for the time I nearly converted to Buddhism.

Do you want to know what my Italian teacher is called? Then I will tell you – it is Signor Bertollini. And I think he must be Italy's answer to Herr Kamyer, because he is quite literally one of the hairiest men I have ever seen. When I first saw him I thought he was an escaped ape from the zoo. It was the return of King Kong!

When he came through the door he said, "You must be miss Georgia. I have come to teach you the _belissimo _language of Italian, no?" And he held out his hand for me to shake. Erlack! I hade to shake hands with ape-man.

He didn't seem to have much of a fashion sense, either. I thought Italians were supposed to be well dressed – like Masimo. Well, not King Kong here. I'm not sure who informed him it was acceptable to wear a v-neck (revealing a hairy chest), cut off trousers and, of all things, _flip-flops_. Maybe it was a tramp. Or just someone utterly insane.

**6:00 pm**

This is a disaster. I feel like my plan is the titanic. I can see it slowly sinking. Pretty soon it will be completely sawn in half.  
Vati made me watch that film once. It was quite good, but I got a bit worried when Vati started blubbing. That was the moment I knew for certain my own father was clinically insane.

Shuttup, brain. Concentrate on the Italian. Remember, you're doing this for Masimo. Just think about his gorgey amber eyes and you'll make it through.

**One minute later**

King Kong was saying, "Now, we'll start with some simple phrases: hello, goodbye, thank you, and so on."

"Mmm," I said. "That's all very interesting. But, erm, how would you say something like, I don't know – just off the top of my head, 'Why hello, Masimo. You look particularly dashing tonight'?"  
He stared at me. "I – ah- that sounds quite complicated. We start with something simple, Okay?"

"OK," I said.

**6:20 pm**

He has finally left! I don't know how I will endure that again next week.

Most of the stuff I learnt was basic; I could have just looked up most of it in my _Idiot's Guide to Italian_. But I did learn how to say, _"__È molto bello vedere stasera. Mi piace il tuo esempio."_ Which means, you look very nice tonight. I like your suit. I don't know how that helps me, unless I happen to see Masimo at night, wearing a suit.

**7:25 pm**

The phone rang. It was Dave. He called to say he had broken up with Emma.

"Why?" I said. I felt a bit funny. "She was very nice."

Dave said, "Yeah, well. I didn't exactly break up with her. She broke up with me."

Oh, poor Dave. "Oh," I said. "Are you upset?"

"Nah," he said. "I was thinking about dumping her anyway. I felt the need to set the camel rolling again."

What?

"What?" I said.

Dave laughed. "Y'know. I want to be free to date other people."

Date other people? I felt a little bit jealous, I don't know why. What if the next person he went out with wasn't nice, like Emma? What if they were horrible? Emma was very annoying, but at least she was very nice and wasn't likely to hurt Dave.

"Oh." I didn't quite know what to say, so I added. "Why did she break up with you?"

There was a silence. Then Dave said, "She thought I was cheating on her."

Oh dear. Was it possible Emma wasn't as dim as I had expected? Had she found out about me and Dave's secret snog in the woods? No. She can't have. Unless she had been disguised as a bit of wildlife at the time. Or she had a special twig camera. Oh, God! What if she did? I was dead meat! Deader, in fact! I was dead as a doornail, as Charles PANTS Dickens once said.

"She wasn't exactly wrong, then, was she?" I said nervously.

"If you mean what happened in the woods," said Dave. "She can't know. Nobody saw us."

"What about Jas 'n' Tom?" I gasped. I remembered that shortly afterwards I had come across them on a ramble - looking for badger sets or something equally ludicrous. "They could have seen us! And Jas is famously known as Radio Jas for a reason! Word could have got out!" I was hyperventilating.

"Kittykat, calm down," soothed Dave. He has a very calming voice. "We'll get to the bottom of this. Now, don't go blaming Jas. Emma might well know nothing about us. She didn't mention a particular name – or maybe she did. I couldn't hear for all the yelling. Anyway, let's keep it quiet for a bit." Wow, it sounded strange when he said, "us". Like we were having a secret relationship, instead of it just being a friendly snog in the forest.

"Okay," I said. And then I thought I would lighten the mood a bit by describing Signor King Kong. Dave laughed, but he hung up quite quickly.

**7:40**

Phoned Jas.

"Jas," I said, when she picked up the phone. "Remember the camping fiasco – ah, I mean, the camping trip?"

"Yes," said Jas. She sounded distracted – I could just imagine her fiddling with her fringe.

"You, erm, didn't see anything, _interesting_ while on your ramble with Tom, did you?"

"Oh, Georgia. Are you finally taking an interest in wildlife? I'm so pleased! Oh, and Ellen showed me that bird on the video you made – it's quite rare, you know… anyway, we saw a badger set, yes, but not any badgers – but we found lots of interesting specimens of mushrooms. Tom has a special book that tells you how to identify if they're poisonous or not, see –"

I hung up. Jas clearly hadn't seen anything between me and Dave. Dave and me. Why did that phrase feel so strange? In a good way, though?

**Ten minutes later**

Darling Bibbs wants 'a story' to help her get to boboland. I was feeling quite distracted, what with all the traumas I endured today. But I agreed because I am a good Gingey and I was feeling generous.

**Two minutes later**

Libby has chosen 'The Lion that Wanted to Love" for me to read. It's about a little lion, and it makes friends with a gazelle, but his family get angry with him because he is supposed to eat the gazelle, not make friends with it. So he runs away, and he lives with all the other animals in the jungle. And then his family find him and he shows them how to love the other animals, and it's all happy. I looked at Libby to see how this deep and moving moral had affected her little toddler brain, bless her.

She was asleep.

**One minute later**

Quite sweet really. She is very cute when she is sleeping. She is muttering under her breath…having a little dream. Aaaw…what is she saying?

**One second later**

She is singing a song.

**Two seconds later**

The song is, "Sex bum, I'm a sex bum."

Lovely. NOT.

**A/N: **** There really is a book called 'The Lion Who Wanted To Love'. It was a favourite of mine when I was younger. The Libby thing was quite random, but too cute. I had to put it in.**

**And Emma and Dave are finally over! I am very happy, that girl annoys me a lot! But does she know something about Gee and Dave? DUN DUN DUN. I must admit, I didn't see that plot twist coming. It just came out of my fingers as I typed. This story is as much a surprise to me as it is to you – I don't know what will happen next!**


	7. Shakespeare Disco Inferno

**Shakespeare disco inferno**

**A/N:** **This chapter is a filler, really. It's not that exciting but I couldn't skip immediately to the action.  
Lalala, I have the 'Ghostbusters' song in my head. Lovely.**

**Sunday 29****th****  
2:00 pm**

For some reason, I cannot stop thinking about Dave the Laugh

**One minute later**

He is now a single man.

Err…boy. Whatever. Bloke, chappie, lad, call it what you will. But the point is, he is now free to snog whoever he wants. Not that that stopped him before, mind.

**One minute later**

And not that I care either. Our snogging days are over, officially. Dave said, "We'll just be matey type mates."

He also said, "I like you, and I always have and I always will." But obviously he meant that in a matey way.

**Two minutes later**

Didn't he?

**2:30**

Mates. Just mates. Ahoy, matey. What? Shuttup, brain, you're not on a cruise on the Titanic. Though my life does feel like a bloody sinking ship. What with Masimo huffing off, my crap Italian teacher, the whole Wet Lindsay scenario, and now, as if Big G still wasn't satisfied with the poonosity of my life, Emma may know about me and Dave the Laugh's secret snogs.

**2:35**

What if she comes round to my house and duffs me up?

What if she has a black belt in karate?

Or she might have an Uncle who is in the Mafia, and he will come and sort me out. Oh, God! I'm too young to die, I still have a spectacularly poo and crap life to lead!

**One minute later**

I will do anything to live, I will even snog Signor Bertollini!

**One minute later**

On second thoughts, I will take death instead.

**2:50**

Rang Jas.

"Hello, Jas speaking," she said.

"Jas, my pally, are you there?"

"Of course I am here, otherwise I wouldn't have said, 'hello, Jas speaking'," she huffed. "What do you want?"

"Don't say it like that, Jas."

"Don't say what like what?"

She is incredibly twitty and annoying.

"You know full well what I mean. You don't need to be so rude."

Jas got all upset. "You are ALWAYS rude, Georgia. Am I not allowed to have an off day?"

This was getting ridiculous. "Nevermind, Jas. We are calling an emergency ace gang meeting. Oh, and, just so I'm sure – Ellen IS completely over Dave the Laugh, isn't she?"

"Yes, she is pretty serious about Dec now. Hey, why - "

"Jas, all I can say is, I have some emergency news regarding the pantsmeister. That is what the meeting is about."

Jas said, "Oo-er. Have you been doing _knutcshen _with him?"

But I put the phone down.

**3:30  
Jas' house  
Being suffocated by owls**

Jas has a new owl in her collection. It has incredibly starey beady eyes. Very freaky deaky. It was a gift from Hunky. Aaaaw. What an incredibly sweet way to express your love: 'My darling, you are my one and only, I would like to offer you this token of my love – a stuffed owl.' How romantic - NOT.

However, I managed to refrain myself from commenting on Hunky's owl. The last thing I needed at this moment was for Jas to get all Miss Huffy Knickers on me.

**One minute later**

"Right, I will get to the nub and gist of things right away," I declared. "There will be no beating around the bush, I will bite the whatsit and begin immediately. No dilly dallying. I will be quick and straight to the point – "

Rosie lobbed an owl at me. "Get on with it, I'm s'posed to be at Sven's house making Herring Cake."

Herring Cake? What was she on about? As always, I will be the last to know. Do you know what, I am not going to ask; the answer will just be something utterly ludicrous, as always.

**One minute later**

I began properly this time. "My pallys, I am in a bit of a fandango. Err…well, remember the camping fiasco?"

"Who could forget? Remember when we rustled sheep?" Jools said.

"Erm, yes. That was comedy gold, that moment," I agreed. "But, anyway, then the lads came, am I right?"

I was aware Jas was staring beadily at me, looking freakishly like her owl. The others were nodding like those nodding dogs you put in the back of the car.

"Well, Dave and I went for a walk - "

"Oo-er," said Rosie, with a wink.

"Yes, yes. We, well we were just talking as mates, and - " suddenly it all came tumbling out. "Well we ended up snogging and it was just a number five and it was quite Phwoar! But then Dave said we were still just matey mates, and then the other day he called me because Emma had broken up with him because she thought he was cheating and I think she might know about our forest snogging sesh."

**One minute later**

All the Ace Crew are just staring at me. Is there something on my face? Has my nose grown even bigger? Oh, bugger, bugger.

Eventually Ellen said (heaven help us) "Er….what…you, but Dave, number five? But, like, erm…you don't, erm, like him… err, do you? What…isn't…why? What? What?"

Ellen was getting into a really big dither; her face was turning quite an odd shade of pink. I think she will spontaneously combust if she keeps this up.

**Two seconds later**

"Do you want me to repeat it for you, Ellen?" I asked kindly. "DAVE AND I SNOGGED AND - "

Unfortunately, Jas' mutti chose that precise moment to walk into the room, with impeccably poo timing.

"You snogged Dave? I thought your boyfriend was Masimo, that Italian bloke?"

Thank you, Radio Jas.

Then Jas' Mum said something that was, quite frankly, disturbing. "What number did you get up to?" Absobloodylutely unbelievable.

Not only does my Mutti seem to know about the snogging scale, but now Jas' mum does too?

**One minute later**

Jas got her mutti to leave, finally. Then she turned to me and said, "You really are a tart of the first water, Georgia."

Jools said, "But it's not really a surprise, Gee. Everybody knows about you and Dave's secret snogs. In fact, they are not exactly a secret."

This set Ellen off, of course. "What, er, I mean – you have, like, snogged before then? I – er…. why…everybody knows? I, you know, didn't?" She made it sound like a question.

Jas sniffed. "Georgia has no pride. She flings herself at any boy that comes her way with gay abandon. She needs to get her horn under control, or learn to deal with the consequences of having about a million boyfriends."

Rosie got out her beard and began stroking it. Oh, Lordy. "The Wise One makes a fair point. As the old saying goes, 'Ye who snogs those whom they are not courting, will, alack forsooth, payeth the price.'"

"Erm, _is_ there a saying like that?" I asked, full of deep confusinosity.

"There is now," declared Rosie.

**Fifteen minutes later**

The general mood of the gang is that it was wrong for me to snog Dave the Laugh, as I was not 'courting' him, so now I will have to face the music.

"But," said Ro-Ro, "Emma may know nothing about the incident, so don't mention it. Pretend it never happened, or you could end up accidentally telling her. And that, my friend, would just about top the list of stupid things you have done – including gluing your eyelashes together." Wise words, coming from someone wearing a fake beard and sidies (though I was hoping to forget about the eyelashes incident.

**11:00 pm  
My Bed of Pain**

Oh, oh, I can't stop worrying about the whole Emma situation. Does she know? If she does, can she hurry up and duff me up soon? I can't stand the tension. Oh, I will never get to sleep (Libby's cold botty doesn't help either). I will be awake all night –

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

**Monday 30****th****  
6:46 am**

I was woken when something fat and furry suddenly squashed onto my face. It was, of course, Angus. Furry Freak – what if he had done that in the night and I hadn't woken up? I could have suffocated!

Angus' bandages come off in just one week. He still hasn't regained his balance – he tried to jump out of the window into the tree the other day, and somehow ended up on top of my wardrobe instead. But it will be nice to see him back to normal again soon. You know, rounding up the Prat Poodles, terrorising the postie, licking Naomi's bottie…the usual cat stuff.

**10:16 pm  
Froggie**

Still worrying. I said to Ro-Ro, who was sitting next to me, "Do you think Emma knows? Could we find out?"

"Drop it, mate," Rosie said. "Just chill. Keep grooving, groovster. Don't let the stress, er stress you out. It's cool, bro, peace." She had drawn a peace symbol on her cheek in biro.

I knew Rosie was mad, but this just takes the cake. Her insanity has gone up a whole new level. Why was she being a hippie?

"Why are you being a hippy, Ro-Ro?"

"I find it is very soothing to the mind," she said, and tried to get herself into the lotus position. This did not work, mainly because she was sitting on a chair, and she just ended up in a heap on the floor. Vair amusante.

Unfortunately Madame Slack did not agree. Rosie has got a bad conduct mark, and detention. Which is a shame because it means she will be missing Rom and Jule Rehearsals. Miss Wilson has said we will have them on Monday and Tuesday now, because, "We have so much work to do, girls! We've got to have a good game plan!"

But I think she just gets lonely, and wants to fill up all her free time.

**4:10 pm  
Rehearsals**

Dave and all the lads were already in the hall. When we came in they all cheered and yelled, "Nungas!" Dave came up and gave me a peck on the cheek. Very, erm, friendly.

"Wazzup?" he yelled. "Ready for some more Billy ShakesPANTS?"

We all cheered and high fived eachother. Miss Wilson was already all in a dither – she was trying to sort out the lads in the corner who were attempting to squirt eachother with the fire extinguisher, and Nauseating P. Green, who was doing what she does best, i.e making a prat of herself. She had been cast as Lord Capulet, and she was waving a prop sword around. Unfortunatley, she managed to whack some poor girl in the face, and then when she turned around to apologise, she knocked over someone ELSE. We were all cracking up – Rollo even had his phone out and was filming her as she elephanted about, knocking people over, apologising, and then knocking more people over. It was like human dominoes or something.

**4:30 pm**

Miss Wilson has managed to (sort of) get us under control. We are doing my death scene. It is vair moving and touching. Mercutio says some beautiful lines, they bring a tear to everyone's eye: "I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. A plague o' both your PANTS! 'Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat, to scratch a man to death!" (Mercutio must have had a cat a bit like Angus).

The best bit, though, was when we choreographed my death. Tybalt (Mabs) and Romeo (Ellen) stand facing each other. I stand behind Ellen, and then Mabs stabs under Ellen's arm with her prop sword, and strikes me a blow. I then collapse to the floor. But we made it like a little disco inferno:

Stab to the left

Stab to the right

Shimmy to the ground,  
All around

Shake your botty,

Stab in the air,

Circle each other  
Death stare,  
Stab under arm,  
(Mercutio) Falls to the ground with a cry of "Alack Forsooth!"

Comedy stuff.

**5:30pm  
Walking home**

It was a triumph, darling, a triumph. Our dance went down a storm – Miss Wilson liked it so much she is going to have it in the actual play!

Dave the Laugh said, "You could be a choreographer when you are older, then."

I said, "I am going to be a backing dancer."

And Dave said, "Yes, you can choreograph your own moves."

Excellent! I now know what I am going to be!

**Ten minutes later**

When we got to my house, I said, "Dave, do you think Emma knows anything?"

He looked a bit worried. "I tried talking to her, but she refused to speak to me. She's obviously very angry."

"Oh, she must know then!" I groaned. Dave patted my arm.

"Hey, don't stress, OK? Look, whatever happens, whatever comes of this, I don't hold anything against you. I like you Georgia, and it's going to stay that way."

And suddenly I really, really wanted to snog him. His eyes went all soft, and I really thought he was about to kiss me. And then I don't know what happened, I just sort of sprang up and kissed him right on the mouth! Blimey, what was wrong with me? Had I no self control?

Dave stiffened, but then he sort of put his arms around me. He gently pushed me away.

"Er...I know I'm gorgeous, but try to show some self restraint, will you?"

I gave a little gasp. "I'm – I'm so sorry, Dave, I…"

He smiled. "It's cool. I, er, I have to…go. Bye Georgia." And he hurried off.

**One minute later**

Oh, god. What have I done? My horn has got the better of me!! Remember, Masimo, Masimo, Masimo!

**Two minutes later**

Oh, that is so freaky! The phone just rang – and it was Masimo!

I was so surprised to hear his voice, I jumped and banged my head.

He said, "_Ciao, Caro, _it is Masimo."

"Ow! HI! Err.. Ciao!" I said breathlessly. He was probably calling so he could break up with me officially.

"Listen, Miss Georgia. I am needing to speak with you."

"_Si? _What about?" I asked. I didn't want to hear it.

"It is quite, how you say, urgent."

Urgent? Was he that desperate to break up with me?

"Can I meet you after school tomorrow? Is good?"

"Oh, um, OK." Well, at least he was going to break up with me in person, not over the phone.

"Goodbye, Miss Georgia. And, tomorrow, we will talk about what happened, _si?"_

What? "Er, si. Good, yes, good. Well…bye."

And I put the phone down.

**Two minutes later**

Oh, bugger all.

Everything has just gone downhill.

Crap, crap, thrice crap, and also _merde_.


	8. Moby Dick, the blubbering whale

**A/N: **** This is a vair exciting chapter! Ooh, just wait until you read it! It is vair action packed. **

**I am really hyper today. But not as hyper as I was Friday lunchtime. Me and my mates were being really stupid and kept laughing about balls. It all started when my science teacher said, "Today we will be doing an experiment about bouncing balls," and we started being vair immature, saying things like, "Don't get your balls in twist," "Always apply pressure when bouncing your balls," stupid things like that. How grown up and mature we are – NOT!. It reminds me of when Herr Kamyer said in the first book, "I use the tea towel to keep my balls still." Oh, happy days.**

**Moby Dick, the blubbering whale**

**Tuesday 1****st**

Pant, pant, and pants. Am late to school. Hawkeye is going to throttle me. But that doesn't matter, it's not like there is anything wrong with my life besides that.

**One minute later**

Yeah, right. What a joke.

**Ten minutes later**

When I got to school, I was given a bad conduct mark for tardiness. Jas said, "You should also get a bad conduct mark for tartiness." Which was vair, vair rude.

"Jas," I said. "Shut up for once, will you. I am in yet another fandango. Masimo wants to talk to me – I think he's going to dump me! What should I do?"

All the Ace Gang were really sympathetic. They came and put their arms around me. Mabs said, "Always look on the bright side of life." Like in that Monty Python song. Rosie nodded and said, "Masimo might want to take you back."

**One minute later**

I do love my pallys. They are so supportive. Even Jas stopped doing her impression of a prat, and gave me a cuddle and a Jammy Dodger.

**11:10 am  
R.S.**

Putting my base coat of makeup on. Masimo is meeting me outside of the gates, and I must look v. sophis. I will have to skip rehearsals, which is a shame. But on the other hand, that might be a good thing, as I don't think I can face Dave the Laugh just yet.

**3:30 pm  
School Gates**

Skirt rolled up, lippy on, hair nice and smoothy, four coats of mascara e.t.c.

No sign of Masimo yet. I hope he doesn't stand me up, that would be very impolite.

**One minute later**

They will be having fun in rehearsals. Dave will probably be causing mayhem, ogling Melanie Griffith's nungas and so on.

**One second later**

Not that I care.

**Five minutes later**

Oooh, I can hear his scooter! Not Dave the L's scooter, you twits, he doesn't own one. No, I mean the Italian Stallion. Who is NOT a handbag horse.

**Ten minutes later**

Masimo rode up on his scooter. When he took his helmet off it was vair marvy, his hair was all ruffled and groovy gravy's pyjamas. Mmmm….

Unfortunately my brain had gone off on holiday in dither land, so when Masimo said, "Georgia?" I didn't say anything. Oh, bugger, now he probably thought I was ignoring him.

"Hello? Georgia, _ciao._"

"Oh, blimey, erm, _ciao,_ Masimo. Long time no dig, eh?" What in the name of our Great Vati in the Sky was wrong with me?

Masimo looked really confused (who wouldn't be?) "Erm…no dig? What is this meaning?"

I hurriedly said, "Never mind."

Masimo said, "I am taking you to a place we can talk," and he handed me his helmet. We roared off on his scooter.

**Twenty minutes later**

Blubbing like a blubbery whale, Moby Dick or whatever his name is.

What is wrong with me? As always, I will be the last to know. Anyway, this is what happened.

When we got to the park, Masimo stopped and helped me take off my helmet. Then he sat down on a bench and I sat next to him. He looked at me quite funny – I had no idea what was going on in his mind. There was a very long, very awkward silence.

Then he said, "Georgia, I am, how you say, very sorry indeed. I was horrible to you."

"What?" I yelped. "No, you weren't horrible! I should be saying sorry to you! I danced with Dave and that was wrong, I didn't mean to – "

But Masimo stopped me. "I overreacted, I am sorry. Dave is just a mate of yours, am I right?"

"I – oh, Masimo, I – "

"I see. Georgia, you like someone else, it is ok. _Bueno_."

"No! I don't! I like you!" What was happening? I felt so vair full of confusinosity.

Masimo was quiet for a bit. Then he said, "Miss Georgia, I must tell you this. The other day, I have been offered, in Italy, a new job."

I stared at him. "A job? What kind?"

"You see, I have been scouted. As a model, you know. I have been offered the chance to me a male model in Italy."

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't believe it. It was unbelievable, that's why. Masimo, a male model?? Well, he was gorgey enough; I'll give you that.

Masimo continued. "Only say the word, Georgia, and I will stay. It will be _bellisimo,_ just like before, no? Otherwise I will be leaving next week."

I could feel myself going all teary. "I – I can't, Masimo. I don't think it would be the same. I think you should take the job and go to Italy." I felt like I was choking. What was I doing? Turning down an Italian Stallion? A luuurve god, whom I luuurved with all of my whatsits!

**4:30 pm**

That's it. There's no going back now. I have turned down my Italian Cakey; he has reached his expiry date. I don't know why I did it, I can't explain it. I just felt like there was something blocking us.

**One minute later**

Do I mean Dave the Laugh? Do I luuurve him? It has to be said, he is a _tres_ marvy snogger.

**One second later**

And a laugh.

**Two seconds later**

And not at all bad looking. He is actually taller than me now, he used to be quite unblessed in the height department. But now he looks down at me.

**Ten seconds later**

Oh, I don't know. I really don't know! I am a teenager, for crying out loud! What do I know about love? All I have to guide me is my copy of the _Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus_ book. And my Mutti – but what would she know about the game of lurve, she married a bearded loon for chrissakes!

**5:00 pm**

Speaking of…Mutti has just come into my room and seen me blubbing. She sat down on the edge of my bed and I just cried into her top. She didn't even have a spaz attack when I got snot and mascara all over it. She stroked my hair and made soothing noises, like "Shhh…don't cry, it's alright…"

**One minute later**

I told Mutti everything. About me and Dave, and Masimo, and how I turned him down. Mutti sat there and nodded patiently, even though it took me about a million years to explain everything.

When I had finished, she said, "So you turned down Masimo? I know I wouldn't have done, he is quite literally sex on legs." But I just looked at her. Mutti sighed.

"Georgia, love. Growing up is a very exhausting thing to do. I know, because, believe it or not, I was once young and free like you. Us girls can't be expected to do all of that, and understand boys on top of everything, because, quite frankly they are all idiots."

I said, "Tell me about it." Mutti smiled and handed me a tissue.

"What I'm saying is, don't feel like you need to constantly need to be in a serious relationship with somebody. Being single is fun, too."

That can't be right, can it? I sniffed, and said, "But I'm really worried that I've been horrible to Dave. I think I have really hurt his feelings."

"Well," said Mutti. "He is a lovely lad. But I can't tell you what to do, Georgia. Only you can decide. My advice would be to just go with what you feel."

**11:00pm  
In my Bed of Aggers**

I can't stop thinking about what Mutti said. Go with what I feel? But what do I feel? Oh, the tension, the tension…

**Ten minutes later**

At least there is one boy in my life that I can count on. Angus will always be my furry pal, no matter what. He is so sweet; he brought me a little prezzie. True, it was a dead bird, but it's the thought that counts.

**Wednesday 2****nd  
****Break **

The Ace Gang went bonkers when I told them what had happened. Jas very nearly wet herself. She yelped, "You, Georgia Nicolson, tart of the first water, and serial stalker, actually _turned down_ Masimo, Luuurve God extraordinaire?"

Ellen went (here we go) "But I thought, erm…. Y'know, you…really, like, rated him? Or something?"

Mabs went, "I thought you said he was a top snogger and sex on legs and all of that?"

Jools went, "Blimey, what was going through your mind?"

And Ro-Ro went, "A male model? That is extraordinarily gay."

**Two minutes later**

I explained everything. Well, I neglected to mention the Dave fandango, but what they don't know won't kill them. I explained that I felt like it wouldn't be the same between Masimo and me anymore, and how it just wouldn't work.

Then Jas said something vair alarming, and also infuriating. She said, "I know why. It's because you lurve Dave the Laugh." Why does she always stick her nose where it's not wanted? (Oo-er!)

"Jas! " I spluttered, "I do not, most definitely not, lurve Dave, I…you, why? Shut up!"

But then all the others started joining in and agreeing. So I had to _ignorez vouz _them, and go and hide in the toilets till they shut up.

**Two minutes later**

There was someone else in the tart's wardrobe. Katie Steadman was doing her lippy. She is quite nice, so I got talking to her. I remembered she was good friends with Emma, so I decided to take the bull by the horns.

"Katie? You wouldn't happen to know why Emma broke up with her boyfriend, would you? I just, erm, heard a rumour…"

Katie said, "Do you mean Dave the Laugh?" I nodded. Katie looked a bit guilty – wait a minute! What was going on? She said, "Erm, I think that might actually be my fault."

I stared at her. "What?"

Katie made a sort of grimace. "Well…it's a long story. But, well, it can't be denied that you and Dave are very close. As in, more than just mates. And I might have accidentally mentioned it to Emma…" I just stared at her with my mouth hanging open.

"Yeah," she sighed. "Listen, it was a total accident. I was just hanging out with Emma, and all I said was, 'I think it's good that you're cool with Dave and Georgia being so chummy.' And Emma asked what I meant, and I said 'Y'know, they have a bit of history, they are very close and all of that.' And Emma got all huffy…and then she started asking around, and she found out that you and Dave, well…you were a bit _too _close for her liking. Apparently someone in our year saw you snogging on that camping trip."

I gasped. "Who?"

"Actually…Pamela Green. Emma bribed her with cakes or something. She saw you with Dave in the woods."

This was absobloodylutely unbelievable. Nauseating P. Green!? The traitor! What had she done???

**A/N: ****Oh, I am eeevil, ending it here! But actually the reason is that I ran out of creativosity, I couldn't be bothered to write anymore. But to be fair, I have been writing for about four hours straight, it's only to be expected.**

**Thank you for all your lovely reviews, they just keep coming! I feel like a proper writer, I do. *****Blushes.***** Cheers, guys!**


	9. Lesser Spotted Finch

**A/N:**** OMG. I am SO SORRY. I haven't updated this since god knows when….since before dinosaurs were extinct probably. I have just been swamped in work (well, not really, that's just my poor excuse). But I only have about two chapters to go till this is finished so I'm going to update super fast to make up for my shoddy behaviour. I am sending myself to bed with no supper. **

**Anyway, here it is (it's really badly written, I haven't really read Georgia in a long time and the language is not very her but there you go.**

**Lesser spotted finch**

**Wednesday 2****nd****  
11:00 pm**

I can't believe it. It's unbelievable, that's why!

**Two seconds later**

I – I'm in shock, I…Nauseating P. Green??

**One minute later**

What in the name of all things PANTS?

Why would she betray me? After all the things I have done for her! I taught her doggy tricks when she was nana in Peter Pan! I saved her bacon when she got into trouble for shoplifting! I even put up with her rambling on about her hamsters!

WHY????

**11:05**

I wandered back to the Ace Gang, in a state of shock. They were all headed to our next lesson, Blodge. I didn't say anything, I just sort of looked gormlessly at them and opened and closed my mouth. Jas gave me a weird look but she didn't say anything, just carried on her conversation with Ellen. Well, it's not really a conversation when one person is doing all the talking and the other is just going, "Err, well…. yes, I err, … or something?" But you know what I mean.

**Blodge  
11:15 pm**

Herr Kamyer is rambling on about healthy eating and how it can lead to being overweight. It is the perfect opportunity for a Slim/Elephant related joke, but I seem to have lost the power of speech.

**One minute later**

Ro-Ro passed me a note,

_Calling all loons, calling all loons, and that means you, Gee!  
Wake up! What planet are you on? Snap out of it and tell me what you are thinking of (unless it is rudey-dudey, because then, quite frankly, I don't want to know). Is it a Dave the L situation? Because I can tell, I have a special radar that tells me when you have hornmeister thoughts,_

_x R_

I gave her a cross eyed look, and scribbled a note back

_Dear Mrs Viking Loon,  
I am not, in fact, having hornmeister thoughts. I am having Nauseating P. Green thoughts – leave it!!! No, but it is related to Dave, actually. P. Green saw us snogging in the woods, and she told Emma. She was bribed with cakes.  
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT TRAITOR. I MUST CONFRONT HER._

_AAaaaaaaaaaaargh, Gee x_

**11:25 pm**

Rosie read the note and then her head snapped up with alarming speed. She stared at me, her mouth was so wide I could have shoved Angus inside. 'P. Green?' she mouthed. I nodded. And then Rosie started spluttering and snorting and having some kind of a nervy b. Actually I think she was laughing, but she had to keep quiet because we were in class so it sounded like a hippopotamus farting.

I was looking at her. "It's NOT funny!" I hissed furiously. What was wrong with her? This was a perfectly serious situation!

Rosie couldn't contain herself anymore; she opened her mouth and went, really loudly, "HA!" Herr Kamyer turned around and frowned.

"_Vas ist_ der problem, girls? Is there something wrong?"

But we didn't have time explain, because just then Miss Wilson came in. She looked at Herr Kamyer and went a spectacular shade of scarlet.

"Umm, Herr Kamyer – the, uh, photocopier next door is broken. Can, ah, can you please come and help me fix it? I don't really know how, it would be such a help."

"Of course," went Herr Kamyer. He turned to the class. "I vill be right back, girls. I just have to quickly go and help Miss Wilson with, erm, something next door."

"Oo-er," muttered Rosie, as the whole class exploded into giggles. Helping her with the photocopier? A likely story.

**11:30**

"Let's go next door and film them on our phones and then put it on the Internet," said Ro-Ro, nudging me.

"I don't think we're allowed to post porn on the Internet, Rosie," I said dismissively. Usually I would give my left nunga for a comedy situation like this to crop up, but I needed to discuss a more pressing issue.

"Please can you tell me why you were laughing?"

Rosie grinned naughtily at me (no not like that you lezzies). "It's just that, for once in her life, our Pamela has actually inadvertently done something good."

"GOOD?" I practically yelled. "Rosie, what is wrong with you? How is it GOOD that Emma knows about me and Dave?"

Rosie just smirked.

**12:40  
Lunchtime**

Rosie still won't tell me what she means. It is dead annoying and I was very tempted to whack her about the head with Rover the Pickled Vole (still waving cheerily from inside his jar in the lab). As we were packing up our books Miss Wilson and Herr Kamyer came back into the room, looking quite flushed. Their excuse is that mending the photocopier is difficult, hard work. But we all know the truth.

I begged Rosie relentlessly all through lunch, until she snapped.

"Well, it's just that – Emma is now broken up with Dave. That's a good thing, isn't it?"

By now all the Ace Gang new about my situation and were nodding along in an annoying manner.

"Why?" I said carefully. I did, in fact, think it was a good thing that Dave and Emma were broken up – I mean, they were hardly suited. But no way was I going to let the gang in on this.

"C'mon, Georgia. You can try to hide from it, but the fact still remains," Mabs said sternly. "We all know you fancy the pants off Dave."

**Monday 7****th****  
Assembly**

I have decided, somewhat reluctantly, to forgive my so-called mates. I have ignored them all weekend, and quite frankly, I think they have learnt their lesson. There will be no more prodding me about Dave the Laugh. I have banned them from discussing my social life unless I give the word that it is all right. So now we have more time to discuss schoolwork and the play.

What a joke.

"I'm thinking," said Rosie, "Of having a party. After the play finishes, to celebrate."

"But," Jas said, "What if, and I hate to say it, what if the play isn't a success?"

Rosie looked at her. "We won't be celebrating the _success _of the play," she said, like it was obvious. "We'll be celebrating the fact that it's over."

**One second later**

Jas got a bit huffy. "I am enjoying doing this play, believe it or not. Juliet is an extremely interesting character to play, I think I give her quite a lot of depth."

I looked at her and said, "Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a donkeys bottom."

Jas tried to protest but nobody was listening.

"Will your party have a theme, Ro-Ro? I need to know whether I should purchase a black cat suit," I said.

"I was thinking of giving it a James Bond theme, actually."

Ellen went, "Err…why…I mean, why James Bond, is that…. err – is that relevant?"

"Nope," said Rosie simply. "But just imagine all the fit boys in tuxedos."

Good point, VERY well made. For once in her life Rosie has made an actual sensible suggestion.

**2:30 pm  
P.E.**

During hockey I decided to confront P. Green. I strode right up to her, brandishing my stick (Oo-er – I meant my hockey stick). Pamela looked a bit scared.

"Alright." I demanded. "What's this about? Why did you tell Emma?"

P. Green looked mortified. Her chins began wobbling alarmingly. "Tell – tell Emma what?"

I put my hands on my hips. "You know what I mean, _Pamela_."

She blinked stupidly at me. She's so large and squashy she looks like Tinky Winky.

"You know- about, erm, what you saw in the woods," I prompted her, "with me and – me and Dave?"

I saw fear flash behind her piggy little eyes. Or maybe she was just passing wind, I couldn't say.

"Who? Do you – do you mean that boy? That one what talks funny, about…about camels? And he's always shouting 'NUNGAS'? What does that even mean, anyway?"

I couldn't help smiling slightly. "Nungas means, erm, y'know…. breasts." P. Green went red. Well, redder, she already resembled a tomato.

"Yep, that's him," I continued. "Listen - "

"Why _nungas_?" asked Nauseating P Green timidly.

"When you pull out a girls breast and – wait, I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you. To cut to my nub and gist – WHAT DID YOU SAY TO EMMA?"

And then the most awful thing happened – Nauseating P Green started blubbing!

**One minute later**

Blimey, I didn't know how to handle it! I sort of stood there going, "It's, erm, it's alright Pamela, I'm not angry at you, honest." Even though I was. I was going to get a right duffing up from Emma thanks to her.

"I….I didn't mean t-t-to!" whimpered P Green. "B-But, she said I HAD to t-t-tell her, and she had K-Krispy K-K-Kremes!"

"Oh, well," I said, trying to cheer her up. "Krispy Kremes are quite nourishing and tasty, I suppose." Also vair, vair fattening. I think I solved the mystery of why our Pamela so unfortunately resembles Santa Claus on a particularly chubby day.

"I couldn't help it, it just blurted out," Pamela said, seeming to brighten a little. "I saw you in the woods, see…. I was quite embarrassed after I knocked down Miss Wilson's tent. I just hid in the forest for a bit and then you came and, y'know, _snogged_." She said this last word in a whisper, like it was a taboo word or something. Pfft…she probably thinks _poo_ is a swear word.

"So then Emma came and asked you. How long ago was this?" If it was a while ago, then surely Emma would have come to duff me up by now.

"About a week ago."

Okaaay. Why am I still alive? Baby Jesus must be feeling very kind. Or maybe he's just taunting me – I think I've gotten away with it until one day I am caught unexpectedly.

**3:30 pm  
Walking home**

As we were walking home, Jas said, "Guess what? You know that video you made?"

I groaned, not particularly wanting to be reminded of this incident.  
"Er, yes?"

Jas was jumping up and down. "Well, you know how that little bird came with the worm and started pecking about?"

"Yes?"

**Ten minutes later**

Blimey O'Reilly's pantaloons. Turns out the bird was some really rare lesser spotted finch or something, and Jas sent it off to a nature club and we got given money!

"How much do we get?" I asked eagerly.

"Fifty squids to share between us," said Jas. I frowned. "Wait, you shouldn't be getting a share – you refused to have anything to do with the video."

"Yes, but it was my idea to send it off, wasn't it?"

Picky Picky. Still, I am now rich!

**One second later**

Not. Jas got out her calculator and when we split it between the six of us in the ace gang, we only get about eight quid each. I could get more than that out of my Vati if I really wanted too. Jas was of course raving on about the money not mattering, but the reward of filming something so rare and interesting.

I said to Jas, "Maybe you should submit your twig collection." I said it to be sarcastic, but Jas got really excited and ran home to do just that. What an enormous twit.

**4:40 pm**

I decided to ring Dave the Laugh and tell him about P. Green. When he picked up the phone he said, "Welcome. If you have lost a pair of knickers, press one. If you seek a biscuit, press two. If you seek the olds, press three. If you have the wrong number, and I think you will have realised by now if you do, hang up now."

"Dave," I said. "It's me."

"Hi fellow loon," said Dave. He seemed to be munching on something.

"Are you eating?" I asked.

"Yup. I'm slowly working my way through a box of doughnuts."

Typico. Dave can eat all he wants and he never gets fat, yet all I have to do is eat a shred of broccoli and I can't fit into the jeans I bought last week.

"Right. Well, anyway. Listen – Emma definitely knows what's going on. Nauseating P. Green told her."

There was a lot of swearing and crashing about, and then Dave said, "You're joking. CRAP!"

I said, "I know."

What on earth are we going to do?


End file.
